Is This Really Love?: Recognizing When You're in a Coercive, Controlling, and Emotionally Abusive Relationship—and How to Break Free.
An exclusive excerpt from Dr. Leah Aguirre and New Harbinger Publications
PAC would like to express their deepest thanks to Dr. Leah Aguirre and New Harbinger Publications for this exclusive excerpt from Is This Really Love?: Recognizing When You're in a Coercive, Controlling, and Emotionally Abusive Relationship—and How to Break Free.
Dr. Aguirre is an esteemed guest speaker at our forthcoming virtual event, The Philosophy of Love and Relationships, Saturday October 25th at 1 pm EDT.
Chapter 1
The Nuance of Subtle Abuse
Being in an unhealthy or abusive relationship is confusing. Despite the toxicity and distress it causes, there also can be deep feelings of love, commitment, and loyalty. I have a strong feeling that you didn't enter the relationship with the understanding it would be tumultuous or cause you this much pain or emotional duress. Instead, you were most likely drawn to this other person's positive qualities or what they promised you in the beginning stages of the relationship. There was obviously something you saw in this person that was attractive, comforting, familiar, or safe (at least at the time). Or maybe you simply saw their potential and what you thought they "could" be.
All that being said, I know how difficult it can be to come to terms with the reality of an abusive relationship—to even just use the words "abuse" or "abusive" in the same sentence when referring to your relationship or partner/ex-partner can bring up so many different feelings. It's not easy and any aversion you may be experiencing is normal. But having a strong understanding of abuse, what it is, and what it can look like is imperative to your healing and growth.
Throughout this chapter and book, I will be referencing fundamental principles and concepts based on the Duluth Model, which will be explained shortly, and the Equality and Power and Control Wheels (Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs n.d.). The Equality and Power and Control Wheels are graphics that break down the various components of healthy relationships and abusive relationships. It should also be noted that while this model is intentionally gender-specific, it offers universally affirming principles of what it means to be in a healthy relationship. If you are interested in learning more, visit https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/ and https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheel-gallery/ for more information.
Before we get deep into the trenches of exploring and understanding your personal experiences in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, in this chapter, you will learn what makes a relationship "healthy": the qualities of a healthy relationship, what it looks like, how it should feel, and the green flags to look out for. From here, you will learn more about the nature of abuse and abusive relationships. You will understand the power and control dynamic and the different forms of abuse that can occur. Most importantly, you'll gain a clearer understanding of the nuance of subtle, emotional abuse that can make this type of abuse difficult to detect.
What's "Healthy"?
Most of us learn about relationships from what we experienced and observed during our childhood. If we witnessed abuse or unhealthy dynamics between our parents or caregivers or experienced abuse firsthand, these experiences typically play into our understanding of relationships, shape our expectations of how other people can and/or will treat us, and influence how we navigate our own adult relationships. And even if we did observe a fairly healthy dynamic between our parents or other adults in our immediate environment, most of us were probably never sat down and received an explanation like "This is what a healthy relationship is, why it works, and how you can find one yourself."
So, how do you know what's healthy if you were never taught or don't have the working knowledge? And how can you even recognize abuse if you don't even know the very basics? You need to know the "green flags" so you can spot the "yellow" and "red flags" (which aren't as easy to detect as we think sometimes). Let's discuss what makes a relationship healthy.
A relationship is healthy when there is mutual trust and respect, stability and consistency, open communication, and shared responsibility. In a healthy relationship, you and your partner are both active participants and have an equal say about the terms of the relationship and the expectations you have for one another—it's a partnership. You are able to express your feelings openly and communicate your needs without fear of judgment or consequences. You can show up exactly as you are and know that you will be accepted for all parts of you. You generally feel at peace because you have trust and faith in your partner and your relationship (Duluth Model).
Below are relationship "green flags" that indicate and reflect a healthy dynamic. As you read through these green flags, consider what feelings come up. Do these green flags feel familiar or foreign? Do they seem obvious or are they surprising? Try to notice what comes up for you, without judgment.
Relationship Green Flags
Your lines of communication are open and communication is consistent.
You listen to one another and allow the other person to speak and share their thoughts and perspectives. It feels safe to communicate your feelings, needs, and concerns.
You work together to resolve conflict and are both open to compromise and finding common ground.
You both take accountability for your actions and can acknowledge fault. When either of you make a mistake or hurt the other's feelings, you take actionable steps to repair the relationship.
You respect and value one another in the relationship.
You are both able to maintain your own identity and autonomy and have a life outside of the relationship.
You make big decisions together and consider the other person's individual needs when engaging in decision making.
You both support one another in your personal endeavors and goals.
While no relationship looks exactly the same, these qualities are crucial to sustaining a healthy relationship that is based on equality. Alternatively, in an abusive relationship, there is a lack of equality and, instead, a power-and-control dynamic.
Leah Aguirre, LCSW is a California native and currently practices in San Diego, CA. She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 10 years of experience as a psychotherapist, specializing in working with individuals who have experienced childhood trauma, abusive relationships, and other forms of complex trauma. Leah is certified in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), an evidence-based practice for addressing trauma, PTSD, and anxiety disorders.
She is the author of Is This Really Love? and The Girl’s Guide to Relationships, Sexuality and Consent. Leah is also the co-owner of Cove Counseling Group, a group practice offering inclusive, trauma-informed individual therapy. In addition, she is a relationship coach, supporting individuals in navigating or leaving unhealthy relationships and dating from a place of empowerment and authenticity.
Leah has been featured as a contributor on Psychology Today and has written for other media platforms on topics related to trauma, relationships, and women’s mental health. She is passionate about helping women overcome trauma and develop true self-love and acceptance. Her mission is to empower women to heal, thrive, and create healthy, authentic connections.